Good morning!
This poem is beautiful because it is tricky. Amazing how it describes something as painful as absence as something positive. It could either mean “You are gone but you have made such a deep and great impact on my life that even as we are apart, you still live on in me/ my love for you never dies/i long for you with great passion/ etc etc” or it could mean “You are gone. Oh boy, you are gone. And I’ve never been more glad. You caused so much shittiness in my life that your absence from it has remarkably added ‘colour’ to it now”. And, there are other numerous ways to look at it too.
I wonder which side you’re on when it comes to me.
Sometimes I get the feeling that it could be B.
Afterall, after the incident, I found myself slowly being deleted by you. It’s a sad and strange thing to go through, sad to see you deleting me and strange because it’s almost like I was really losing a piece of my own memory and voice and having no control over it. I wish you never deleted me like that, it made me cry hard each time I discovered a new “deletion”. It made me feel insignificant. The last deletion didn’t make me cry though, I had become somewhat numb to it.
I wonder if someone did the same thing to you before. And I wonder if you felt how I felt too. Insignificant and unwanted, almost like trash, deletable/disposable. And I wondered why you had to torture me the same way, how doing such a thing could help make things better too because I only saw it as running away but not putting an end to the pain/problem. Maybe you count it as moving on but I saw it as running away because the problem (which is me and our problem) still stays where it is, stranded and confused and enlarging into a giant tumour and about to burst anytime.
Fortunately, Lacuna Inc. is just a hoax so Dr. Howard Mierzwiak can’t help you delete me totally! So that means that I could come crawling back from the landfill I’ve been tossed into (which I did!), unwelcomingly sit myself at your doorstep and play with your doorbell every freaking night of your life until it drives you insane that you have to answer the door somehow…
OKay, sorry to make it sound so evil when it really is not. My intentions are good.
Well, deletion is the past and I’m not going to bear grudges because of it. I hope you do not carry on deleting me. You can’t undo the deletions but you could always add parts of me back to your life (oh hellow twitter, msn, real life, etc). Not expecting it to happen overnight but hopefully one day, we can get a connection in real time again.
And yep, I’m here trying for that. Hoping for you to take me back in your life as real time friend again. Oh, but we’re friends again already, right? It will take some time, but I do hope you will eventually accept me in “full person” again. The poem just made me think about that. But no hard feelings intended, it was just something I needed to point out and be honest about as it made me feel uneasy and unsure.
I’d just like share with you, I’ve never known heartbreak before this. So the whole time that we were not speaking and I was going thorugh emotional turmoil, I thought I was just going insane. Like absolutely insane and pathetic. I never knew heartbreak could hurt that much and cause you… to think you’re nuts. I would have never known. Thank you for introducing it into my life. :)
OKay, I know it’s strange to be receiving thanks for giving someone great pain but just accept it. Learn to accept my love because it is something that I am willing to give to someone/something but not expect it to be returned in the same form or from the same person/thing. I think people are scared to accept kindness and love from strangers or even people who aren’t exactly their loved ones because they think it comes with a price to pay. But not everyone has hidden motives. Some acts really do come from the heart.
I know I’ve caused us to be in really awkward situations. I’m really sorry. I try my best to be less strange and seemingly psycho. I am not psycho because everyone has personality flaws, I know that. Sometimes I feel so inadequate as a person, I don’t know what to do. I try my best, and I am being me but I just usually end up scaring people or making a mess of things. But I know I can’t please everybody and it’s not what I’m trying to do either. I just try to be normal sometimes and have more self-control now. I don’t know, it makes me feel uneasy and I end up going back to raw, honest, straightforward, affection-loving, ambitious, multiple-personality, thinking, emotional junkie person; which really is this person talking to you right now. Maybe it’s just a learning process of getting myself balanced out correctly. I tell you things cause I trust you (once more), because we went through this together and we learn from each other and I am not scared about sharing things about myself if it helps us learn…I do hope I am doing the right thing. Eventually, I want both of us to be alright.
Thank you for always listening to my lengthy essays. I wish you would engage me with your own honest thoughts so that I may understand you better but I can’t force you if you’re not ready to trust me with them. However, if you ever feel like doing so, please feel free.
Have a nice weekend. :)
Love,
