254. Sometimes, I wish I could just forget you. But I don’t want to forget you, so that isn’t my wish. I wish I knew what went on in that head of yours. Then maybe I’d know if you actually loved me or not. I’d know the way you really feel about all the people you say you love: because everyone says you’re a player, and I’d really like to know whether or not I’m getting played.
(via 11-eleven-wishes)
A player? I’m not suppose to take that literally right. It would be insulting if I was because I’m not the kind who goes after boys, play with their hearts and break them. In fact, I stay away emotionally from boys and spend more time with girls. The truth is I never quite trusted boys and and I’m not lesbian either. Maybe it’s just my friendly, open, playful nature.
I wish I knew what goes inside your head too. I see indecisiveness and sometimes I wonder too how you really feel about me. When you told me you just wanted me to treat you as a friend I thought you never felt the way I felt for you, it was a stab to my heart. After a few days, I felt maybe I shouldn’t have felt that way for you cause it seemed to have ruined everything.
I may seem indecisive to you too. But I am only confused as to what to do, what to really read out to these posts or your actions, and how to react accordingly. I can’t do much here, online. I can’t reach you anymore except here.
Sometimes I feel like telling you the whole story on my side just so you’d know what I went through and then you’d tell me yours and we would compare sides. And we’d finally understand each other better, come up with a conclusion, solution and move forward.
We are rather stuck right now, but I feel slowly, maybe, hopefully we’re getting somewhere.
I may say I love a lot if things but I have many definitions/degrees of love and I simply just love life. So everything that is part of life, I find easy to love. And every love differs from the other. So with you, it’s obviously not the same as loving a friend’s laughter or loving the feeling of raindrops on my face though these things can be what my love for you consist of.
I do hope I do make sense here. Maybe I don’t. Just know, I love you and I’ve never loved anyone like this before.
How do I even begin to explain my love for you? It’s so strange to verbalize, explain something which I can only feel and show.
Just by being here, taking time off to think about you (in fact you just invade anytime you like, i don’t have to set a time for you), the stuff you post here, analyse, wanting to stay, wishing that you’d want me in your life back, leaving for you then coming back. Wondering if there must’ve been something that I did wrong that I could have done better for you in the past so that everything would be better. Thinking of giving you a hug but no, I can barely even see you. Wanting to just listen to you, just sit with you and listen. Wanting to get to know you better, wanting to know who you really are. Wishing you won’t be so angry with people so much because it pains me to see you so frustrated with people and life. Not expecting your love or acknowledgement because I feel that that would be selfish of me. If you said you don’t love me and never loved me, I would still be hanging around just in case you need me somehow. How do I explain or prove to you my love?
I don’t know what else I can do except hanging around here because chasing after you in school would be creepy and mad. I don’t think I could even face you, I am scared you’d be cold towards me.
I know. I know when I first came into your life, you didn’t believe that I would stay for long in the first place after having people stepping into your life, making you happy for awhile and then leaving you without a good enough explanation. So you never quite believed in my presence in your life fully. I am that obscure object hanging in midair, you think that if you pulled on me too tightly I might fall or just crumble in your hands. So maybe you think it’s better that you just walk away from this extremely weird and possibly dangerous object.
But no, pull on me, pull on me tight. I’m still hanging around, I’ll be hanging around. I don’t wish to always be hanging around though. I wish for you take me in your arms and I’d still be whole. But, it’s just me wishing, I do not expect you to take me if you do not have the heart in me.
I can’t give you happiness - you will need to find it within yourself, I will give you pain sometimes - but so will everyone else. I’ve learnt to accept that these things are a constant in life as much as failure is. But it’s not going to hinder me. I’m strong for myself now. You can say the most hurtful things to me and I may cry for awhile but that doesn’t make me love you less. It just makes me pray and hope that we’ll be better people in the future so we’d hurt each other less.
I know words are not enough and never enough. And you could disbelieve everything I said because of everything that’s hindering you and I. The lines we’ve drawn, the boundaries. I’ve went out of the way to try to reach you and you’re saying things and that is a good sign. If these are lines we’ve drawn, we can surely erase them. So…I’ll just be hanging around.
