I have this sinking feeling whenever I think of you.
Maybe its just sinking in that when I pushed you away, you let go.
I thought it was what you really wanted, and so I gave it.
No matter how bad it pained me to, I only wanted to give you what you wanted. What do you really want? I hope you know for yourself.
In truth, I thought letting you go was the best thing I could do for you. I thought me being around would hurt you or get in your way. That space and time apart would help us grow and understand our life better. I let you go but I was hoping you’d come back one day when you are ready, when you realise that it’s not worth it to hold on to the bad past and that two people can change to have a relationship on another level (we were undefined but we could be social friends again). But then, I decided it was best that I make no such expectations, and it’ll be alright in the end somehow.
I couldn’t really know what it is you really wanted, it was mixed and confusing. It was on a blog, I did not know what’s really going on, how to seperate the truth from the potentially misleading colours and who they are for. And I was wondering the whole period what do I do because you’ve blocked me on a some of the networks, and I thought it meant you didn’t want me to be there.
I wish you wouldn’t hold on to all the bad feelings. I’d just like a reconcilation, even if it meant going back to the start where we were nothing and be friends, if that is what you want too. It may be awkward but you need to know that I hold nothing against you. And I do still love you, simply with no expectations. I’m sorry to have caused all this by not being in control of my emotions in the past. My true intention when I first reached out to you was to help you breathe a little easier and be your friend. I’m truly sorry, I hope you don’t hate me for this.
I’m resorting to such means to reach you because our relationship means a lot to me even if it is in pieces now. But just because it is that way doesn’t mean it can’t be salvaged.
What would you like to see change that would make you breathe easier?
It’d make me breathe easier to know that you hold no hard feelings against me and that we are acknowledging each other’s presence in real life. To be able to speak to you again and having both of us not feel guilty or sad about what’s happened in the past. For both of us to accept that things went wrong in the past, we made mistakes but we’ll learn from them and move on and work it out for a better future. To not sit stagnant and harbour feelings of hurt or wonder what could have been done.
Take away the emotions and complexities, and see in raw form what had happened. I understand and recognise the incident to be due to our lack of trust and communication. Fear and resentment. Uncertainty. Hurt and blame. Different expectations. We’ve had our fair share of emotional turmoil after that, time has passed and I’ve let go of the hurt or any form of resentment. And now I’d like to do something about it, make things better for us. But I need your help. I need your help. I can’t mould our future on my own, we have to mould it together.
I wrote this without being cryptic, except for my identity which I think you should know and of which I need to protect. Always reading between the lines and psychoanalysing gets tiring after a while and can hinder a person from thinking clearly, and that was also one of the things that slowly tore us apart.
I just want you to know. I am still here, not expecting but hoping that we could work this out through here or email or anywhere else you like, in direct honest words. Whatever your decision be, I’ll respect it.
